


Killer + The sound

by chiara_scuro



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Carry On Countdown (Simon Snow), Crying, Day 24: Song, Love Confessions, M/M, Song Lyrics, baz cries so much he probably gets dehydrated, i kinda feel bad for him ngl, i'm not feeling that great about this fic but here it is, okay so, so much crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:41:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28156251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiara_scuro/pseuds/chiara_scuro
Summary: I’m in love with Simon Snow. The Chosen One. The magickal nuclear bomb. The Mage’s Heir. The boy I’m set to kill once we’re both done with school.The one person in the entire world of mages I can never, ever have.Just my bloody luck, really.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 16
Kudos: 83
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2020





	1. Killer

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, this fic was written for the Carry on countdown 2020! The prompt for today was song
> 
> I've based this fic on [Killer + The sound](https://open.spotify.com/track/1xuA8vy1KA1cfP5UQ7NYSS?si=1mHfw1IRQg26TsZc7vXKDw) by Phoebe Bridges, Noah Gundersen and Abby Gundersen. The song has two parts so I've based one chapter on each part. 
> 
> Thank you [Visinata](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Visinata/pseuds/Visinata) for beta reading this! 
> 
> WARNING: this fic comes pretty close to Major character death. Nobody dies, but Chapter 2 starts off with one character believing that the other character is dead. But nobody is actually dead. Just figured I'd give you guys a warning just in case

_ Sometimes I think I’m a killer _

_ Scared you in your house _

BAZ

I’m in love with Simon Snow. The Chosen One. The magickal nuclear bomb. The Mage’s Heir. The boy I’m set to kill once we’re both done with school.

The one person in the entire world of mages I can never,  _ ever _ have.

Just my bloody luck, really.

_ I even scared myself by talking _

_ About Dahmer on your couch _

__

I figured it out in our fifth year, when I went home for Christmas break and the Families had a meeting in our dining room that I overheard. I didn’t  _ mean _ to overhear it, but my father forgot his usual soundproofing spell and I have vampire senses. I heard the woman – probably Miss Graves – say it, loud and clear.

“The Chosen One has to go. As long as the Mage has him, we won’t get anywhere.”

“But the Humdru--” somebody else started. I didn’t recognize the voice, so I stepped closer to the door, pressing my ear against it.

“We wait until he defeats the Humdrum, but then we get rid of him. He’s too much of a threat,” Miss Graves said.

“He’s just a boy--” Daphne started.

“So is Basilton. But they’re not, though, are they? There are no children in a war. The Crucible cast them together, Daphne. Basilton is meant to end this.”

_ Meant to end what, meant to end what? _

I know one day I’ll have to kill Snow. Or Snow will have to kill me. We’ve both known it, probably from the start. My family opposes the Mage and he’s the Mage’s heir. Of course this will end in flames. It was always meant to end in flames, ever since I shook his hand when we were eleven. 

But that was the first time I heard it out loud. The first time I heard someone else say that I have to kill the Chosen One. 

It was also the first time I realized I really,  _ really _ don’t want to do it. I ran back to my room, my chest tight, and I couldn’t sleep for a whole week.

_ But I can’t sleep next to a body _

_ Even harmless in death _

__

And now we’re here, with only three weeks of Watford left and I think it’s been a while since either of us has gotten a good night’s sleep.

Snow is a mess. He’s leaking magic everywhere and he’s become so thin and drawn it looks like he just got back from his summer in care. The circles in his eyes are stark against his tawny skin. I don’t think he’s as afraid of me as he is of the Humdrum.

I hope he’s not as afraid about me as he is of the Humdrum, even though I received a bird last week about the plan the Families have for me. (Reading the letter sent me into a panic attack and when I calmed down enough, I burned it and then drained the bird. Because I’m a fucking monster.) (Crowley, I hope he kills me first.)

__

_ Plus I’m pretty sure I’d miss you _

_ Faking sleep to count your breath _

I know he’s awake and he knows I’m awake. I want to cry and I’m not sure I even have enough energy left to care about him hearing me.

_ What I can promise you, Simon Snow, is to weep over your corpse _ , is all I can think of. It’s all I’ve been able to think of this whole week.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Hot tears fill my eyes and I try to bite them back but it’s too late.

What would Snow think about his nemesis crying over the fact that he has to kill him? He’d probably feel sorry for me, really. He’s stupidly kind like that.

I’m going to miss him so much.

I wipe away my tears, but they keep running down my face. My chest feels tight and I’m trying my hardest to contain my sobs. Snow hears me though, judging by the thick and smoky magic filling our room.

“Baz? Are you alright?”

I don’t answer him and the smell of his magic gets stronger. He’s so alive. He’s so fucking alive.

And I’m going to have to kill him.

That makes me cry even harder and next thing I know, the side of my bed dips. Simon’s warm hand is on my shoulder.

_ Can a killer in me _

_ Tame the fire in you? _

__

“Baz? What’s wrong?”

“Go away, Snow,” I choke out.

“I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s wrong,” he says and I can’t see him, but I can practically hear the jut of his chin in his voice. Beautiful, stubborn bastard. I hope he doesn’t go down without a fight.

I hope he kills me first.

_ Is there nothing left to do for us? _

“Baz?” Snow asks and his voice is breaking now, crumbling at the edges. It makes my heart hurt – it always does when he cries. “Baz, are you okay?”

This is the point where I’d make some witty remark about how I’m obviously  _ not _ okay, but I’m too choked up to speak. It’s almost embarrassing – I never break down in front of someone like this.

I feel my mattress move again and then Simon Snow is lying next to me, his hand still on my shoulder but otherwise keeping a safe distance. Still, I can feel his magic radiating off him and the warmth calms me down enough to manage a few words.

“I’m fine,” I mutter. What a blatant, idiotic lie. “Get out of my bed.”

“I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s wrong,” he insists. I turn around to look at him – it’s dark enough that he can’t see me, but I can still see him. I can see the tear tracks on his face and I fight every urge to wipe them off.

“You. It’s always you.” I try my hardest to sneer at him, but it’s just not working. Despite his warmth and closeness calming me down, I’m still too choked up to sneer or scowl or hiss.

“I didn’t do anything,” he says.

“You exist.”

He exists. He’s alive, he’s alive, he’s alive – and it’s only a matter of weeks. It’s either going to be me or the Humdrum. The thought makes me cry again.

_ I hope you kiss my rotten head _

_ And pull the plug _

“Baz?”

“You’re so fucking alive, Snow, do you know that?” I blubber. It’s embarrassing.

“Um? So are you?”

I shake my head. “I’m not. Not like you are.” I’m practically giving him the confirmation that I’m a vampire right now, but it’s not like it matters. It’s not like either of us will be around for much longer, not with the inevitable final battle approaching fast. 

Snow grabs me by the wrists, pulling my hands away from my face. “Baz?” I try to shake him loose, but I’m not really trying and Simon is impossible to move once he sets his mind on something. “Baz, look at me,” he demands. “You  _ are _ alive.”

“I’m a vampire!” 

I expect him to recoil in horror. Maybe leave the room to tell the Mage – maybe he’ll do that tomorrow. If he tells the Mage, do I still have to kill him or will the Mage end me first?

“So?”

“So, I’m very clearly  _ not _ alive,” I say. He shakes his head.

“You are. You can breathe, right? And eat. And piss.” I scoff a bit at his last word.

“I don’t have a soul.”

“You have a soul,” he insists. “You wouldn’t be crying if you didn’t have one.” His hands come up to cup my face and he lifts my chin. “Baz… you’re not a monster.”

_ Know that I’ve burned every playlist _

_ And given all my love _

It makes me cry even harder. Why doesn’t he believe that I’m a monster? Wouldn’t it be easier for him to think that I’m a monster? You can’t feel bad for killing someone who isn’t even technically alive, right?

Right?

I shake my head, trying to break loose of his grip, but he holds onto me fast. (And also, I’m not really trying.)

“You’re just a boy, Baz.”

He pulls me in his arms and suddenly I’m sobbing against his t-shirt. He no longer smells like magic, but like cheap soap and bacon butties. His cross makes my throat and nose burn.

I’m a monster, I’m a monster, I’m a monster.

_ I know there’s something waiting for us _

__

“So are you,” I manage to choke out.

“What?”

“You’re also just a boy. And you don’t deserve to be going through any of this. And I don’t want to kill you!” Words fall out of me before I can stop them. Simon pulls back to look at my face. I expect him to leave my bed now, disgusted by me, but he doesn’t.

“You don’t… what?”

“The Families,” I sob. “They want me to kill you. I don’t want to do it.” There’s no point in hiding it now.

“Baz…”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“What? Is that why you’re crying?”

I nod, breathlessly. I can’t believe my emotions have once again gotten the better of me and I just told him everything. What’s next, a love confession?

Simon is crowding me, hugging me again. His shirt is wet from my tears. “Hey, it’s okay,” he says softly, his hand coming up in my hair. It makes me scoff.

“I just told you I have to kill you and you say it’s okay?”

“You said you don’t want to do it,” he shrugs.

“What the fuck, Snow?” His reaction shocks me so much my tears stop.

“I don’t want to kill you either, Baz. And I won’t…” he’s getting choked up now too. “I won’t kill you.”

_ I am sick of the chase _

_ But I’m stupid in love _

__

Beautiful, courageous Simon. He’s so good. He’s so fucking good. I just told him I  _ have _ to kill him and he says he won’t kill me. And I’ve given him the confirmation that I’m a vampire now, so he could probably get away with it too.

“Simon…” I cling onto him. His heart is racing–I can feel it–and he’s so fucking alive. And he doesn’t know how much I love him.

“I’m probably going to die when I face the Humdrum anyway.” He shrugs, like it’s no big deal. Like his death wouldn’t be equal to the sun burning out. If Simon were to die, there will be no light left in the world–not for me anyway. 

“Please stop talking like that,” I say, tangling my fist in the back of his shirt.

“Baz…”

“I don’t want you to die, Simon. You’re too good. Fuck, you’re like the sun, you know that? I love you so fucking much.”

My heart stops as I realize what I’ve just said and I recoil in horror.

Simon just stares at me. “You… love me?”

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I throw my covers back, deciding it’s best that I just flee the room. I should’ve done that the moment I started crying. But Simon grabs me by the wrist and pulls me back.

“Let me go,” I snap at him.

“Baz…”

I tear my wrist out of his grip and run out of the room.

_ And there’s nothing I can do _

I spend the night in the Catacombs, crying and draining every rat that crosses my path. Snow is looking for me–I can smell him, feel his magic in the air–but I know these Catacombs better than anyone else and I don’t let him catch up with me.

After a few hours, his magic stops and I think he must’ve finally given up. I hide myself in a corner and spend the remainder of the night drifting in and out of sleep. In the morning I spell myself decent and head to my classes.

My first class is Advanced Magickal Theory, which Snow isn’t in, thankfully. I can avoid seeing him for another hour.

The atmosphere in the class is especially grim today. Everyone is shifting nervously in their seats and I start to worry there was an assignment I forgot about. (Which is very unlikely for me, but Magickal Theory assignments are the least of my concerns at the moment.)

Professor Eidemann steps up, clearing his throat. He looks pale and drawn. “Students,” he starts. “Before we begin, I must inform you about the tragic event that took place at our school last night. The rumours are true; The Humdrum kidnapped a student.”

A storm of whispers spreads across the classroom and I feel my heart stop.

The Humdrum kidnapped a student.

I don’t need anyone to tell me that the student was Simon.

_ And there’s nothing I can do.  _


	2. The sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If I look at you, are you going to disappear again?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternative title for this chapter would be Orpheus and Eurydice
> 
> Thank you [Visinata](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Visinata/pseuds/Visinata) for beta reading!

_5 years later_

BAZ

It’s been five years since Simon Snow went missing. Five years since the Humdrum disappeared, five years since the war ended, five years since they found the Mage’s body in an abandoned orphanage in Blackpool, along with Snow’s cross on the floor. It was the only thing he left behind.

Five miserable years of his cross sitting in a box at the bottom of my wardrobe, along with the clothes he left at Watford. Nobody else wanted to take them.

Snow’s body was never found, but everyone believes that he’s dead. That the final battle with the Humdrum was too much, that nothing was left of him. The Coven assumed the Mage died from the sheer force of Simon’s supernova. All the windows in the orphanage were shattered.

I didn’t want to believe it at first, not without a body. Simon was too alive, too magickal, too real to just be… gone.

Bunce didn’t believe it either. We both took a gap year and spent the year travelling the world, looking for him. We tried just about every finding spell in the book, we conducted hundreds of seances, we did rituals during every full moon, solstice and equinox.

We didn’t find him.

_Nothing ever comes like it did when you were in it_

_Just a memory of a kid, just a washed out finish._

We didn’t give up, but it all sort of lost its point when the Visitings started. Not _the Visitings_ ; the Veil wasn’t lifting and nobody else was coming back. Nobody but Simon. Trust him and his fucked-up magic to find a way around the Veil. It almost makes me smile. Almost.

He never stays for long. He never speaks. I never smell him or feel his magic or his heartbeat or his _aliveness_. (Because it’s not _there_.)

At first, I thought he was a hallucination – something my grief riddled brain made up to ease the pain. (Or make it worse.)

It made sense, with the way he usually shows up – on a crowded street or on the Tube or in the window’s reflection or just on the edge of my peripheral vision when I’m walking on campus. I could very easily be dreaming him up or looking for Simon in every man with bronze curls and tawny skin. And the image of Snow is always so fleeting – blink it and you miss it. Turn to look at him and he’s gone.

But then Bunce saw him too. We were at the library, studying together, and someone walked past us and I could tell by the look on Bunce’s face that she saw him too. And she told me she’s been seeing him and thought it was a hallucination too – but we couldn’t both be seeing the same hallucination, could we?

So now we have a theory that Simon is somehow able to come through the Veil despite it not being lifted.

I don’t know if I like this theory or not. On one hand, it would be just like Simon to be so alive, so full of magic and so fucking stubborn to define the Veil, even if just for a split second. It’s so unmistakably him that it makes my whole heart swell.

On the other hand, it means he’s beyond the Veil.

It means he’s dead.

SIMON

I am not dead.

That much I’m sure of. It might be the _only_ thing I’m sure of.

I thought I was. Dead, I mean. It would make sense; there was the Humdrum and the Mage’s body (I didn’t _mean_ to kill him) and the explosion and then there was nothing. Darkness.

_Nothing ever comes like it did when you were in it._

_Keeping nothing for yourself like a stone-cold killer_

I really thought I was dead. I didn’t even have my magic anymore, just these dragon wings. I have no idea where I was, but the darkness was comforting and I was pressed against something warm and soft, but I couldn’t move. Not at first, at least.

The only thing I could do was think, which is ironic, since thinking was all I’ve been religiously avoiding for most of my life and there were a lot of things _not_ to think about.

I was the Humdrum. I killed the Mage. Baz loves me. I love _him_ and I never had the chance to tell him and now he’ll never know that I do.

All of the things that were too painful to think about, that made me choke on my own tears until there were no more of them left – and that’s how I knew I was still alive.

I was thinking about Baz when it first happened. I slipped back into his world. (By then, I’d already realized I must be in some sort of an alternate dimension.)

It was just for a second, but I know he saw me. And when he did, something snapped in me and I was back in the darkness.

_Now you’re passing your people like a ship in the night_

_looking to every stranger for a fight._

Eventually, I learned how to control my slips. I’d check up on Penny, I’d check up on Baz, as often as my magic would allow it. (My magic was coming back, but it wasn’t the same – I couldn’t do any spells, but I could do these slips.) (There’s no better way to describe it.)

It took a while, but I learned how to stay for longer than a second – which I usually do when they’re asleep. Whenever they see me, my own fear sucks me back into darkness – but they can’t see me if they’re sleeping.

I think maybe I could come back, fully. It’s been five years and I think I have the magic now, but I’m so fucking scared. How do I come back to the World of Mages knowing what I’ve done to them? Knowing that _I_ was the Humdrum and that I killed the Mage and just generally fucked everything up?

_Hoping that you like, that you like how you’re living_

_Relying on the kindness of strangers that you will be forgiven_

I know Baz and Penny miss me (I miss them so much it hurts), but they don’t know what I was. What I _did_.

And it’s been five years. I’m scared that I’ll come back and things just won’t be the same. Penny won’t be my best friend anymore and Baz… maybe he’s met someone else.

But he sleeps alone. I know because I watch him.

I said I wasn’t going to, but it’s so hard to stay away from him. I’m still too afraid to talk to him, to have him see me, even though I want to. (Sometimes it feels like the Crucible all over again, the pull in my stomach all too familiar, when I’m sitting on his desk chair, watching him sleep, and it takes every ounce of strength not to crawl into his bed and wrap myself around him.) (Especially when he has nightmares.)

The want has been getting stronger than the fear now, because I spent every night this week camped out on his chair. Being so close to him makes me feel more alive, more _here_ than I ever have felt in the past five years. I usually slip back into darkness when I see him stirring, so it means a part of me is still in whichever dimension I was sent to after fighting the Humdrum, but that part feels smaller every day.

One of these days I won’t be able to slip back and I know it. I don’t know if the thought excites me or terrifies me.

I’m too busy thinking about the whole interdimensional magick that I don’t see Baz stirring. Not until I hear his voice anyway.

“Simon?”

It snaps me out of my thoughts and our eyes meet. He’s looking at me with a mixture of fear and pain and I feel my own panic rise in my chest and…

And I’m in the darkness again.

I let out a shaky breath, immediately regretting my hasty reaction. I should stay there, I should stop being a coward, I should face him, I should… 

I’m going to. 

Today. 

It’s been too long. 

BAZ

It was him. It was definitely him. I’d recognize his eyes and his moles and his curls anywhere.

He was gone within a blink of an eye, like he always is, but it was _him_. And there’s something else; I’ve never been able to smell him before, but now the room is full of this buttery sweet scent that I can only assume is Simon. (There’s no cheap soap, no smoky smell of his magic, though. How did he manage to get away like that without magic?)

Maybe you don’t need magic to cross the Veil. Maybe you just need Simon Snow levels of stubbornness.

“Simon,” I start. My voice is shaky and I know he probably can’t hear me. It’s been years since I last tried talking to him, but I’ve also never smelled him before. I breathe deeply, trying to steady my voice without taking in too much of his smell. (It’s overwhelming.)

“Simon if you can hear me, just…” I don’t even know what to say. I don’t even know what I _want_ to say. (So many things. Too many things at once.) “Either stay here and talk to me or stop haunting me.”

My words come out choked and broken and I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I pull my knees up to my chest and let sobs heave through my body.

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry,” I cry. If he just stayed in our room that night… if he hadn’t gone after me… Maybe the Humdrum never would’ve taken him. Maybe the wards of our room would keep him safe.

“I never meant to hurt you.”

_Nothing ever comes, ever comes if you call it_

_Choking like a dog, like a dog on a collar_

The room stays silent.

SIMON

I go to Penny first. I assume that would be easier and she _is_ my best friend.

I sit on her sofa, waiting for her to come home. My heart is racing and I keep fighting the urge to slip back into darkness.

I can do this. I’ve slain a dragon. I’ve fought off a chimera. I can tell my best friend that I’m not actually dead. It shouldn’t be this hard. 

I close my eyes as I hear the key in the lock. The door opens and I hear the distinct sound of something dropping on the floor.

“Simon?”

There’s no going back now, is there?

I take a deep breath. Then another. My heartbeat echoes in my ears, reminding me that I’m alive. I should probably lead with that.

“I’m not dead and I was the Humdrum and I killed the Mage and I went off but when I woke up, everything was dark and I should’ve come back sooner, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, but I was so fucking scared,” I babble. My voice breaks at the end and suddenly I’m crying.

“Merlin and Morgana,” I hear Penny gasp – then she’s next to me on the sofa, hugging me. It makes me cry harder. I missed her so much.

“I’m sorry, Pen, I’m so sorry,” I sob into her shirt.

“Is it really you?” She’s crying now too. Fucking hell, I should’ve come back sooner.

“It’s me.”

We cry and hug and cry some more and then I tell her everything I know, which is admittedly not a lot. Penny starts telling me about how the World of Mages has changed over the past five years, but it’s too much information, so I ask her to stop.

“I’m sorry, I just… it’s just a lot,” I mumble.

“Hey, it’s okay. Would you like some tea?”

I nod, wiping at my eyes. She sets her phone down on the coffee table, then gets up to go to the kitchen. Her phone lights up with an incoming call then and I freeze up when I read the name.

_Baz_.

“Uh, Penny?” I carefully grab the phone, as if it can burn me. I try not to look at the contact picture she has set up for him – it’s too much. Penny hadn’t mentioned Baz once in our conversation, so I don’t know what to think. “Um, Baz is calling,” I offer her the phone.

“Oh,” she just stares at it. The phone stops ringing. “Simon, you should know Basil…”

“He told me he loved me. Before the uh… before everything happened,” I blurt out, my cheeks burning bright red.

“He helped me look for you,” she says.

I take a deep breath. “I know. It’s… I…”

“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way, Si. But you have to let him know you’re back – it’s eating him alive.”

My heart sinks and my hands start shaking. “That’s the thing though… I do feel the same… but it’s so fucking scary.”

I must look terrified, because Penny hugs me again. “You should tell him, Si.”

BAZ

Bunce doesn’t pick up my call and I don’t know what else to do. I’m fucking exhausted – I was exhausted before I even left my flat this morning.

Seeing Simon always takes everything out of me. His smell still lingers in my nostrils, warm and buttery and sweet. I didn’t catch a word of my classes today – I was too focused on trying to hold back my tears.

The smell is stronger now that I’m back at my flat, as if my brain remembers he was here this morning. (But he _wasn’t_ , not really. Vistings aren’t corporeal.) I close my eyes and lean my head down, trying to catch more of the smell.

Warmth and butter and sugar and blood and _life_. My eyes snap open.

There’s a pair of boots and rolled up jeans next to my feet. The smell is burning my nostrils.

_Alive, alive, alive_.

My heart feels like it’s about to beat out of my chest. I’m still staring at our shoes.

“If I look at you, are you going to disappear again?” I ask, slowly, trying not to let out that my voice is shaking.

“’m not Eurydice,” he says. He still sounds like Simon. I’m still looking down, but the view of our shoes gets clouded as tears flood my eyes.

“You bloody well are,” I choke out. “Every time I look at you, you’re gone.”

“Have you considered this might be scary to me too?”

I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry. This feels too much like our conversations at Watford. Of course, the love of my life comes back from the dead and immediately starts bickering with me.

_Comes back from the dead_.

I’m starting to feel like I can’t breathe, my lungs filling with hope – but I’m still too scared to look at him. I don’t want to ruin this. In the past five years, Simon never stuck around for longer than a second. He certainly never talked to me.

He’s either alive and here or I’m completely losing it.

“Are you really here?” I ask. He doesn’t answer, but the next moment I feel a warm hand on my shoulder.

That’s when I start to cry. My knees give out and I’m kneeling at my front door, unable to control the sobs that shake my body. And I expect him to be gone, but his arm slides around my shoulder and he’s pulling me close to him and it’s butter and life and warmth and steadiness that only Simon Snow can provide.

He’s really here.

SIMON

Baz is crying. I’ve got my arms around him and he’s sobbing in my shoulder, his fist knotted in the front of my shirt and I don’t have to think about fear right now. I don’t have to think about anything; I just have to hold onto Baz. I _have_ to do that.

“It’s okay. I’m here. I’m sorry I was gone but I’m here now,” I mumble, my hand brushing through his hair. I’m getting a bit choked up myself and I hold him tighter. He still won’t look at me and it’s too much.

“Baz. Baz, please look at me.” My voice is barely a murmur. He shakes his head, his hair brushing against my chin as he does so. We’re both still leaning against his front door and I think maybe we should move, but I don’t think Baz can. He’s gripping me a bit too tight for my comfort, but I’m sure as fuck not going to tell him to let go.

“I thought you were dead, you fucking prick,” he sobs. There’s no edge to his words. “I thought it was a Visiting.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too,” he says. I pull back a little, looking at him (he still won’t look at me), which only makes Baz cling tighter to me. I think he’s worried I’ll disappear again and I feel a pang of guilt in my stomach.

“What do you have to be sorry for?”

“You were looking for me that night and maybe if you just stayed in our room the wards—”

My heart sinks as I realize what he’s about to say. He thinks it’s his fault.

“Baz,” I cut him off. “I don’t think it would’ve made a difference.”

“Or maybe if I let you find me at least you wouldn’t be alone…” he keeps going.

“You would’ve _died_ , Baz. I… it would’ve killed you. I said I wasn’t going to do that,” I say. My voice breaks at the end. Baz just keeps shaking his head – I hold his face to steady him, pulling his chin up to look at me. (He won’t – his eyes are closed. He leans his forehead against mine though and I’ll take that.)

“I’d take it,” he says.

“I wouldn’t let you.”

“I don’t care.”

I growl in frustration. I want him to stop talking about it, to stop blaming himself. And I want him to know how I feel. I want him to know that the only reason I was looking for him that night is so that I could tell him I felt the same way. I want to tell him I still feel the same way.

But I’ve never been good with words and this all feels so big.

“Baz,” I wipe his tears away. “Can you please look at me?”

He finally opens his eyes.

BAZ

I expect Simon to disappear the moment I look at him, but he stays put. Steady. Alive.

He’s even more gorgeous than when I last saw him, if that’s even possible. His face looks just slightly different, slightly more grown up. He doesn’t look like an eighteen-year-old anymore.

“Simon…”

Crowley, he’s really been alive all these years.

He’s slouching against my front door and I’m practically in his lap (any other time, I would’ve been embarrassed about it, but I couldn’t be arsed to care about anything other than him right now) and he’s holding my face just like he did that night…

I know Simon knows. He couldn’t have forgotten… and the fact that he’s letting me this close could mean…

I try not to think about it, but a part of my brain is already zeroed out on his lips. This really isn’t the time for it. I have so many questions I want to get through first, but his lips are hanging open and I can feel his breath on my skin (so warm, so alive), and it’s hard _not to_ think about kissing him.

He’s the one who braves the distance between us, though. He kisses me and it’s soft and warm and salty from our tears and everything I never imagined it would be like. I always imagine kissing Simon Snow would be similar to fighting him, but this is infinitely softer.

I growl and push against his mouth harder. He responds with equal vigour, his hands tangling in my hair.

That’s more like it.

SIMON

Baz’s mouth is so cold, but this has never been less discouraging. I run my tongue along his bottom lip and he makes a sound into my mouth that I can’t quite place and it’s so good, so good, so good.

I should’ve done this on the night he told me he loved me. Before everything with the Humdrum went down…

I pull back suddenly. I shouldn’t be kissing him if he doesn’t know what I was… what I did. Baz just stares at me, puzzled.

“Sorry,” I fumble. “I just… I was the Humdrum and I uh… I figured you should know.”

“Excuse me?”

“I… uh… I should probably explain things. Can we talk?”

He scoots back, then stands up, offering me a hand and pulling me up as well. Our clothes are dishevelled from sitting on the floor in such a weird position and while Baz isn’t crying anymore, his eyes are still red. I can’t imagine I’m much better.

“Alright Snow, let’s talk. Take off your shoes,” he says. His hand doesn’t let go of mine.

“You called me Simon before,” I say, kicking off my shoes. He leads me to his lounge and sits me on the sofa, his arm draped behind me on the seat.

“Hm,” he says. I don’t know why he’s trying to act all cool, since he was sobbing into my shirt mere minutes ago.

“So, uh… the thing was that um…”

“Use your words, Simon,” he says coolly. I shoot him a look, but at least this feels familiar. I realize he’s probably as nervous as I am, so I decide not to get annoyed with his attitude.

“So, the Humdrum was uh… me. I was stealing magic and every time I went off, another dead spot formed. And then he was _me_ , I mean, he had my face and he told me he’s what’s left after I’m finished and I…” my voice is shaking. “I gave him all my magic and… there was an explosion and it killed the Mage and I woke up somewhere that was dark and not _here_ and I think it was an alternate dimension or something and at first I wasn’t strong enough to do anything but then I was too scared to come back because uh… yeah,” my voice trails off. Baz is staring at me with his eyebrows furrowed, like he’s trying to process all that information. I can’t stand the silence.

“I just, uh, figured you should know before we do any of that because I’m a villain and I… I’d understand if you wouldn’t want anything to do with me—”

“Okay, Simon, slow down,” he says, putting a hand on my knee. “This is a lot to take in.”

I swallow. “I know.”

He shoots me a look and I realize I’ve just interrupted him. “This is a lot to take in,” he repeats. “But it doesn’t change anything.”

“Baz, I’m not even magic anymore! I’m a Normal!”

“Snow, you _came back from the dead_.”

“I was the Humdrum. I _stole_ magic,” I mumble.

“Simon,” he starts, exasperated. He takes both of my hands, bringing our faces closer. “It doesn’t change _anything_. I know you and I know you wouldn’t do any of the shit the Humdrum was doing if you could help it. You’re _good_ , Simon, you’re so good. You did stop him in the end, didn’t you?”

“I gave him all my magic,” I mumble.

“Yes, and that was selfless and brave and heroic and it was _you_. Simon, I loved you since I was fifteen and magic or no magic, Humdrum or no Humdrum, it’s still _you_. Nothing’s going to change that. So, I appreciate your concern, but I still want this if you do.”

My insides melt at his words and I’m dangerously close to crying again. Baz’s grey eyes are boring into mine, stern and soft at the same time.

Part of my brain wants to argue with him, the other part just wants to give in and kiss him.

I opt for the latter. 

It’s a mess, honestly, both of us fighting for as much contact as we can get. I push him back on the sofa and he slips his hands under the hem my shirt. My wings explode from my back, startling him.

“Fuck, I forgot to mention that part,” I sigh. He just looks at me, then at the wings, then at me again. Then he starts laughing.

“Crowley, Snow, you’re a fucking nightmare. Anything else you want to tell me?” he asks, his body shaking with laughter. I take the opportunity to kiss his neck. He closes his eyes and melts into my touch.

_So many things_ , I think. I opt for just one though.

“I love you,” I mumble against his skin.

And then I kiss him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, the second chapter doesn't really fit the second part of the song but you know. Shit happens. 
> 
> [my tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/vampire-named-gampire)

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 2 is coming up sometime this week
> 
> here's [my tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/vampire-named-gampire)


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